Oct 26, 2012 - 11 MONTHS...11 LONG MONTHS


October 26th…The 26th…11 Months… to the day.  Are the months going fast?  Sometimes I can hardly believe this has happened, to me, to everyone.  There are 3 families so directly affected by this loss. Then there’s all the people and families connected to this tragedy in some way or another. 

Most days I am either real sad or real mad. Heart broken comes to mind or fighting mad! Finding mad the easier of the two. “Mad” also being the emotion that I seem to be able to accomplish goals or missions.  Short term missions and long term goals. Then there are days when it’s an emotion of disbelief!  It’s like it’s all not real.  How could it be possible that I have not seen Bradley for 11 months and 2 days?  I am starting to see him in his “way” and not think so much about the horrific facts as much.  Those facts haunt me and I believe always will, especially when I’m alone.  Has the time gone fast or slow?  At times I can’t believe it’s October 2012, other times it feels like the exact moment this news was broke to me, and then other times I feel like time is standing still.  This can’t be real; my life has changed in so many ways.  

I accept the fact that Brad’s not here, but I want to feel him around.  So many say “he’s here, with you, all of us.  When we talk to him, he hears us”  “He’s OK” Do I believe this?  I do, but not with absolute conviction.  Blind faith..I go with bind faith, it's all I have.

Then there’s the Canadian Justice System, just the thoughts of how out of balance it is brings out the “fighting mad” in me.  It’s all so senseless and it’s so hard to get the public to realize how serious and preventable this crime is.  It’s like no one completely understands how the court process works unless it happens directly to them.  I can understand this for 2 reasons, first I didn’t have a clue either before and second people in this country don’t take drinking and driving seriously.  No one thinks it’s going to happen to them, either side of the coin.  Not all bad people, just our society.  Then there is the segment of the population that just doesn’t care.  It will not happen to them, gamblers, gambling with all our lives.  Not enough police to catch them all.  The numbers are mind blowing.  1 in 30 cars at any given time, well, someone is impaired.  Averages of 4 fatalities every day.  Many more seriously hurt a day.

As I type this all I can do is sigh.  I understand more now but there is so much I don’t understand and never will.  I wish Bradley, Kole and Thad back everyday.  I wish for 10 seconds with Brad, I wish I could say goodbye properly, the way only a mother could. I have a lot of wishes that are impossible to be granted. 

I guess wishing never gets anyone anywhere.  I will have my few moments right here, right now, and then back on my mission.  Determination to change the way society thinks through sentencing and education.  The punishment must fit the crime.  That will deter many.  Not all, but many.  I believe so many people will be spared the devastated of this crime, I will never know how many lives will be saved, but this is one wish I can try to make real.  That is the horse I will get back on…in a few minutes.

 

Brad if you are not too busy, could you give Kole and Thad a hug for us?

Last updated on: 2016-08-17 | Link to this post